Sitting in the concert last night I was loving it, but sitting there with a bit of melancholy. First off, music plays a very small role in my life right now–mostly I’m an “Enjoy The Silence” kinda gal–but there are some songs that throw me back to different stages in life. Some happy, and some not so happy. Last night was all happy–but the sadness sprang from the fact that so much has happened in the past 25 years, good and bad. I’m one of those people who would give anything to take what I know now–and go back in time and start over. I made so many DUMB mistakes since I was 13–mistakes that although they shaped who I am now, still make me kick myself for. Some of the dumb ones…being boy crazy. I’m trying to teach my kids that boy/girl friends are not important during high school. I’m not sure they are listening, but that is one thing I would get rid of. Another, I would do well in school. I was capable of it, but with problem number 1 hanging around…I didn’t really try. Habits–I would love to overcome some dumb habits that I had, even then! I still bite my nails, and I’m 37 years old!!! College–I would stay in (again, problem number one sneaked in there too)–I would have finished college, if for no other reason than you just need a bachelors degree (in anything) to be a substitute teacher. That’s a job I could have while my kids are in school!! So instead of thinking about going back to school (online) at 37 to finish up before my baby hits 2nd grade (I’m taking 1st grade off)–I would be done already, and ready to work! And one of the biggies…Temple Marriage. Yes, I still want the same hubby—and it’s still possible, but I should have pushed much harder for it, the first time!
There’s more of course! I remember feeling the need to write to my aunt who was very ill but didn’t have enough time left to send a letter to, but then she emailed me and I was so excited that I could email her everything I wanted to say (pretty lame, eh). I sobbed writing that letter–how do you say goodbye to someone that you love so much! Anyway, the one thing I said to her was that I wish we had never moved here to Chicago. I was surrounded by such dysfunction and chaos, and even though I thought I had the rest of my life to spend with my family at home–I wouldn’t get to spend them with her, and I had wasted all of that time here, with crazy people! That is still true–I do wish we didn’t live here–BUT, I’m going to try to learn from the past——-Just find a way to be happy where you are!! So…my new quest for me…happiness! Changing the things that make me unhappy–and being thankful for what I do have! I hope it will come quickly–but if not, hey, this life is a journey anyway!
And one thing that needs to be said—REALLY loud…I LOVE YOU, MOM!!
My Mom is my best friend, and always has been…and that’s one thing I wouldn’t change at all!
Thursday, 15. May 2008
Thank you, precious child. I love you so much. You’re my best friend too. Your phone calls are the high point of my day. You have sooo many blessings. You have a good husband, and have had a promise from the Lord that it will be sealed in the temple some day. You have healthy, beautiful, smart children, even though they are strong willed. Your family is here still supporting you. And your children have a very close relationship with their grandmother. You were able to communicate your feelings to your aunt Jeri and it made her very happy. She still knows how you feel, and you will see her again. You have a beautiful home, and I know there is stress, but I think it will change (you also have a promise of that). You live in the greatest, most generous country in the world, yes there are threats to it from you know who, but the Lords hand is over this country because it has a destiny to complete. Most of all you have the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the gift of the Holy Ghost. A rare and most precious gift. Your children will have it, they have good hearts.
You are one of the most blessed people in the world, your Heavenly Father loves you and has been very generous to you. He will be again if you go to him and ask. Love your lucky mother
Monday, 19. May 2008
You are lucky to have a mom like that. Life takes interesting turns and wonder why you had to make mistakes. But in the end, you probably never would have learned what you have or be who you are now. You’re a wonderful mom. Your mom said it all.